Is Bondage Okay for Christian Couples?

From fuzzy handcuffs to chains and rope, where exactly should married Christian couples draw the line? Exploring bondage (and all aspects of BDSM) should begin with The Three C’s: Consent, Communication, and Compassion. Scripture doesn’t provide clear guidelines on which types of bondage are okay in the bedroom, so it’s important to research the risks and discuss your personal limits ahead of time. Your spouse and your relationship should always be more important than any particular fantasy.

What activities are involved in the “bondage” part of BDSM?

For many couples, bondage play begins with simple restraints in the bedroom. Beginner BDSM kits often include fuzzy handcuffs or separate “cuffs” for each wrist and ankle. Household materials like silk scarves and rope can be surprisingly dangerous, so it’s important to learn about safety concerns before experimenting with bondage. In addition to physical restraints, couples that enjoy bondage might add blindfolds, gags, and toys like vibrators.

It’s worth noting that “bondage” play can be entirely psychological, without using any physical restraints. A husband might cross his wife’s wrists behind her back, or place her hands on the counter and say, “don’t move your hands,” with a commanding tone of voice. Without handcuffs or ropes, verbal commands are a safe way to begin playing with the idea of bondage.

Once my wife is tied up, that means I can do whatever I want to her, right?

Nope, absolutely not. It might not sound “sexy” at first, but everything you do during bondage needs to be discussed and negotiated ahead of time. Bondage isn’t the time to “surprise” your spouse with a new, secret fantasy. Nor does it mean you can finally “try” the thing she has rejected in the past.

“Now I can do whatever I want” may be something you say aloud, and that power may be part of the fantasy, but your physical actions should be guided and limited by prior discussions about personal turn-ons and limits. Whether or not you choose a safeword, the person in bondage has the right to pause or stop play at any time.

What does the Bible say about bondage?

As with most of BDSM, the Bible doesn’t include any direct commands or prohibitions. It’s interesting to note that Samson kept getting himself tied up by Delilah, but not even the Song of Solomon mentions bondage specifically for romantic fun. English translations of the Bible use the word “bondage” for the condition of slaves and prisoners, and most people wouldn’t enjoy being literally enslaved or sent to prison. Then again, Paul celebrates in Philippians when he is imprisoned “in chains for Christ.” Since Paul was able to see the positive opportunities that came with literal prison chains, modern Christians should probably be open-minded that playful bondage in the bedroom might also have unexpected benefits. When used with Consent, Communication, and Compassion, bondage play can provide opportunities for increased intimacy and connection within a marriage.

Were past generations of Christians “into” bondage?

It’s problematic to conflate (or mix together) modern BDSM “bondage” with historical examples of punishment and slavery. Even so, punishments from past centuries continue to inspire modern day fans of BDSM. The pillory and stocks (public forms of bondage) used humiliation as a form of punishment. The scold’s bridle or “branks” was a metal cage or mask that might include decorative features like ears. These punishments weren’t intended to be enjoyable for the sufferer, but bystanders from the community clearly enjoyed watching and humiliating the person trapped in the metal or wooden device. To this day, some churches in Scotland have historical “jougs” or metal collars chained to the wall. Being chained in the jougs would be a punishment similar to the pillory, especially useful in a small town without a jail.

From medieval villagers to American colonists, many generations of devout Christians have enjoyed seeing people in bondage. The vast majority of the spectators probably didn’t have a sexual motive, but they also considered it normal to stop and enjoy the spectacle of a convicted person’s suffering. Could this fascination with bondage be a normal part of human psychology?

How is bondage dangerous?

It’s easy to underestimate the physical risks of bondage play, even for experienced couples. Romance novels and television make handcuffs and other types of bondage look deceptively simple. Silk scarves can be particularly dangerous because the knots easily slip and tighten. When bondage is too tight, the tingling “hand going to sleep” sensation means that circulation is impaired. Nerve damage is also possible.

Make sure you can remove restraints quickly during an emergency. If you’re using rope or fabric restraints, keep trauma shears or another cutting tool nearby during play. Metal handcuffs should have multiple keys. A person in bondage should never be left alone, even for a few minutes. Do your research before experimenting with bondage play. Nightmare scenarios like Stephen King’s “Gerald’s Game” are very real possibilities for couples who fail to take safety precautions.

Why would a Christian enjoy bondage?

Tying up your partner sounds nefarious, like something a kidnapper or movie villain would do. It sounds exploitative, objectifying, and impersonal. In a kinky marriage, however, bondage can be a lovingly seductive form of foreplay. Believe it or not, tying up your partner (if that’s what they enjoy) can be as thoughtful and considerate as preparing a scented bath or a sensual massage. With the right communication ahead of time, carefully securing your partner’s handcuffs or restraints can be a non-verbal way of saying, “Lie back and enjoy yourself. I know what you like, and I’ll take care of everything tonight.”

Despite the huge amounts of sexual content in advertising and secular culture, many of us have a hard time admitting and embracing our own physical desires, even in marriage. There can be a lot of anxiety about “doing it right” and pleasing one’s partner. Some Christian women are attracted to bondage because it allows them to experience pleasure without the distraction of trying to compete with seductive women in commercials, movies, and pornography. For others, bondage makes it possible to get past the feeling of sinfulness that accompanies all sexual desire and pleasure. Well-intentioned Christian movements like “purity culture” have led to many individuals feeling guilt and shame, even when they’re being intimate with their spouse. When you have moral or spiritual doubts, BDSM play is not a substitute for therapy and counseling.

Wanting to play with bondage, however, does not mean you have an underlying psychological issue. From first dates to sandwiches, everyone has a smorgasbord of different preferences, and part of romantic “intimacy” is getting to know the private and personal turn-ons of your spouse. Specific motivations, activities, and fantasies vary widely from one person to the next. For many married couples, bondage is simply a fun type of foreplay, a game that adds a little extra excitement and anticipation in the bedroom to avoid feeling stuck in a routine.

How can Christians learn more about bondage?

As with most aspects of BDSM, you need to research and understand the risks before playing with bondage. Padded wrist restraints (secured with velcro or a buckle) are great for beginners. You’ll need to do additional research if you want to use rope. The knots you learned from the Boy Scouts or sailing may not be safe in the bedroom. Fortunately, several non-fiction guides have been produced by members of the secular BDSM community.