3 Lessons from BDSM:
Communication, Consent, and Compassion
Many lifestyle choices in secular BDSM conflict with Christian standards of sexual morality. For most Christians, casual sex with strangers is impossible to reconcile with scripture, but premarital sex is often seen as a personal choice in the BDSM community (as well as secular culture). Nevertheless, the kinky community has several core values that are inherently admirable and instructive. If we’re honest, the average church doesn’t give married couples much concrete support in exploring and discussing their sexuality. Lifelong Christians may have difficulty openly discussing their preferences in the bedroom. Virgin newlyweds may have only a vague idea of their own preferences and how to approach each other.
On a subject where church guidance tends to be limited, the following values of the BDSM community are useful for all married couples:
1) Communication
“Purity culture” certainly helped some adolescents resist peer pressure, but it also planted the seeds of guilt and shame. If you struggled with frequent temptations in your teenage years, seeing each desire as sinful, then you know how deeply those seeds can take root. Even when it’s finally sanctioned by marriage, sexual desire can continue to feel impure and shameful. If personal fantasies involve anything unusual or embarrassing, then it’s even harder to discuss those desires. Fear of rejection may cause a disconnect and eventually resentment.
Even when sex is completely “vanilla” (not kinky at all), it’s hard to discuss your preferences openly. For too many couples, the husband asks, “Do you wanna…?” and the wife either replies “Sure” or “Not tonight.” The one yes-or-no question may be the only words spoken until sex is finished. For most of us, sex would quickly become awkward with the running commentary of a sportscaster, but it’s easy to misinterpret or overlook non-verbal communication like body language. Before, during, and after bedroom activities, communicating with your spouse can lead to greater enjoyment and satisfaction for both partners.
Communication is a gift.
Dan Savage is an advice columnist who describes this type of communication as a “gift” from gay people to straight people. Like members of the BDSM community, gay couples often need to discuss the roles and preferences of each partner. Just by looking at someone, you can’t be certain what they enjoy or how they see themselves. Reproductive intercourse may not be anatomically possible between most homosexual couples, but there’s an endless list of alternatives. With straight couples, even secular ones, there’s often an assumption that everyone has basically the same definition of “sex,” and so personal preferences and turn-ons may never get discussed. A marriage should be more intimate and personal than casual hookups, but how many married couples openly discuss their personal likes and dislikes in the bedroom? Any constructive criticism or requests to “try something new” might be interpreted as a personal attack by a sensitive or insecure spouse. The subject may be so awkward to discuss that the simplest question is left unfinished. “Do you wanna…?”
2) Consent
Your spouse is NOT obligated to make your fantasies a reality.
Never pressure your spouse into an activity that makes them uncomfortable. If your primary goals are getting to know your partner and strengthening your marriage, then you’ll find new and exciting things that you both enjoy together.
1 Corinthians 7:5 talks about “mutual consent,” but it’s actually the opposite of how “consent” is discussed and understood today. Paul was cautioning wives (or hypothetically husbands) about withholding sex for long periods. The wife and husband are supposed to fulfill each other’s sexual needs (1 Corinthians 7:3). To this day, Paul’s words can be misused to pressure wives into unwanted sex. There’s a real danger that Christians who see BDSM as a personal “need” might use a similar argument.
Going beyond "mutual consent"
Some actions require more discussion than others. You probably don’t ask permission before massaging the shoulders of your spouse in the kitchen, but the same kind of touching could make them uncomfortable at church or in a restaurant. What’s acceptable varies from one couple to the next, depending on each person’s mood and the circumstances.
In married life, consent isn’t actually about verbally asking permission all the time; it’s more about open communication and listening to your partner, prioritizing their needs over your urges. When you openly discuss preferences and new ideas, consent becomes a natural part of the conversation.
3) Compassion
Even without exposure to pornography, an active imagination can lead to all kinds of unusual fantasies during adolescence and adulthood. A lot of fantasies sound weird, especially to people who don’t “get it.” Admitting those fantasies to your spouse (or fiancée) can be incredibly difficult. It’s probably easier to admit to committing crimes like shoplifting. Past misdeeds are in the past, and you may have excuses, or you may have changed your ways. A fantasy often feels like an inseparable part of yourself, something you probably can’t justify or promise to leave behind. When a person judges you for your mistakes or behavior, you might agree “Yes, I did terrible things in the past,” but when a person reacts harshly to your fantasies, it feels like they’re judging you as a whole person today.
The truth is that most people have at least a couple of quirky bedroom preferences. Some of us are a lot weirder than others, but there’s no universal standard for what’s “normal.” Within the privacy of your marriage, it’s hard enough to communicate about sensitive subjects. Equally as important as opening communication, there needs to be a compassionate response that rewards each act of trust.
Compassion does NOT mean consenting to everything.
Especially in the secular BDSM world, some kinks are highly problematic for Christians. There may be religious, ethical, or safety concerns, but choose your words carefully. Depending on what’s being discussed, you might feel entirely justified in calling their fantasy “gross” or “immoral,” but your spouse may feel like you’re judging and condemning them personally. You may reject a request for any reason (even if it just sounds like something you wouldn’t enjoy), but “compassion” is separating your response to the request from your response to the person.
Rather than judging someone for a fantasy you don’t comprehend, consider telling yourself that it’s simply “not my kink.” After all, your secrets might be equally weird to someone else. The expression “Not my kink” started as a neutral way to avoid more judgmental responses. Of course, the BDSM community is fond of “improving” things, so expression expanded into the acronym YKINMK and eventually YKINMKBYKIOK (Your Kink Is Not My Kink But Your Kink Is Okay). The full-length acronym is impractical for conversation, but it’s useful as a reminder to be inclusive and compassionate.
It’s a divisive and confrontational time in politics, making it difficult to feel compassion for people with opposing views. Christ’s command to “love your enemies” is hard to follow, but we can start by prioritizing compassion in marriage. If your spouse is struggling with pornography or unusual desires, then it may feel like an unbridgeable gulf has opened up between you. If you are the one introducing your spouse to BDSM, then it’s understandable if they go through a period of feeling upset or betrayed. Be careful and compassionate in how you choose to discuss these differences.
Once you’re more open about communication, you may discover entirely new and exciting things about your spouse. Supporting your partner and strengthening your relationship is more important than convincing them to try something new, so remember to prioritize your spouse.
Still a work in progress. Thank you for your patience and support.