Dangers of BDSM for Christian Couples
When it’s not approached carefully with the Three C’s of Communication, Consent, and Compassion, BDSM can be physically, psychologically, and spiritually dangerous for Christian couples. Some excited couples can take things too quickly and end up getting hurt. Even careful and experienced couples can make mistakes. The D/s dynamics of BDSM can also make it harder to distinguish between healthy and abusive relationships. Here are a few of the dangers of BDSM:
Physical Injury
Most types of physical BDSM play include some degree of risk. Bondage that’s too tight can cut off circulation and cause nerve damage. A small number of people even die as a result of BDSM play, usually because safety precautions were ignored. One of the most common causes of death is a person being left alone in bondage. If you (or your spouse) cannot take the time to learn how to minimize risks, then you shouldn’t engage in BDSM.
Dom or Sub Frenzy
When first exploring BDSM, many people experience a kind of obsessive excitement or mania. Like the overwhelmed “kid in a candy shop,” you want to try as many new things as quickly as possible. The period of frenzy can alternate between intense emotional highs and lows, often including periods of guilt and shame. When the newness of BDSM has clouded your judgment, it’s easy to make unsafe and unwise choices.
For a Christian couple, it’s important to keep each other grounded, while still sharing in the joy of new experiences. Use self-discipline to go slowly, reflect, research, and thoroughly communicate before (and after) trying anything new. Pace yourselves and don’t neglect the other important parts of your life and relationships.
Selfishness Instead of Service
As you spend more time thinking about your personal fantasies, are you still excited about learning more about your spouse? It’s exciting to finally talk about desires that you may have kept secret for years. Unfortunately, if you’re focused exclusively on your own desires, then your spouse may start to feel like they’re being used or objectified. Remember that your marriage is more important than any of your fantasies. Look for ways to serve your partner and make sure that their needs are met.
Idolatry
If you and your spouse are still new to BDSM, then try not to feel guilty about a period of Dom/sub Frenzy. Enjoy it as a second honeymoon period. Of course, both you and your spouse still have a calling in the world (outside of your bedroom). It’s great to find new levels of intimacy with your spouse, but that sexual self-discovery should not become an idol or your primary focus.
The term “fetish,” often used to mean any kinky desire, has historically been used for small carvings and other objects believed to have magical powers. On a very literal level, fetishes can be idols. You may not be tempted to literally “worship” your fetish, but be aware of how much time and attention you are “sacrificing” for your fetish. Your sexuality and even your marriage should not be allowed to become “the most important thing” in your life.
Incompatible Desires
When you talk more openly about your fantasies with your spouse, your spouse might reject some of your kinks. Listen compassionately and don’t pressure them. Everyone needs the freedom to set their own personal limits. Some limits are likely to change over the years, but you need to accept and respect your partner’s boundaries. Discussing areas where you’re incompatible, it’s important to be careful about communication and compassion, avoiding judgment.
If you are demanding or entitled, or if your marriage has other unaddressed problems, then introducing BDSM can ultimately weaken a relationship and reduce intimacy. Single Christians can also feel overwhelmed by the challenge of finding a believer who shares their kinks. Communication (and how you communicate) is key.
Hookup Culture and Pornography
If you engage with the secular BDSM subculture, then you can expect to encounter pornography and people who promote sex outside of marriage. Talk with your spouse about your agreed boundaries and definitions of sexual immorality. Some Christians don’t see a problem with reading erotica and kinky romance novels, or even watching porn together. Others see engaging with pornography as a form of adultery, leading to intense feelings of betrayal and insecurity. If something feels wrong or goes against your understanding of scripture, then you and your spouse should both respect that boundary.
Hookup Culture and Pornography
The stereotypical image of an abusive relationship is a controlling husband hitting his wife. In many BDSM relationships, the woman wants her husband to take significantly more control in the relationship and even spank her. Consensual BDSM is not abuse, but the framework of D/s can make it harder to identify and easily define abuse. In addition to cultivating the Three C’s, you and your spouse need to go beyond a superficial understanding of abuse.
Recognize the warning signs and don’t be afraid to get external help or counseling. You should never feel trapped or pressured into anything that makes you uncomfortable. Does your spouse withhold affection until they get what they want? Do they make you feel like you’re a bad person or like you “owe” them? Emotional manipulation and gaslighting can be just as damaging as physical abuse.
Consequences for Your Testimony and Community
Be aware of how some non-Christians assume that BDSM is incompatible with Christianity. Take the time to thoughtfully and prayerfully explore what the Bible has to say about marriage and sexual immorality. Some non-believers and even fellow Christians may accuse you of shaping your definition of sexual immorality around your personal preferences, rather than scripture.
BDSM has become more visible in secular culture, but it remains highly controversial and misunderstood in most Christian churches. Couples that embrace BDSM may find themselves unwelcome in certain churches. Hopefully, non-pornographic resources (like this one) can spread awareness and make BDSM a safer topic for discussion in Christian churches.
Taking the Dangers of BDSM Seriously
These are only a few examples of the dangers of BDSM for Christian couples. Think carefully about your own marriage and circumstances. How would your church or employer react if you were publicly known to have a “BDSM lifestyle”? Are your kinks “playing with fire” in a way that might worsen personal insecurities or ultimately weaken your marriage? BDSM is not beneficial for everyone.
Still a work in progress. Thank you for your patience and support.