Does the Bible
Approve of BDSM?
Apart from forbidding adultery, the Bible doesn’t provide many specific rules for sexual conduct within marriage. Hebrews 13:4 is one key exception: “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled.” Particularly in the King James Version, it almost sounds like a license to do whatever you want in the bedroom. Even if something feels dishonorable or sinful, Hebrews 13:4 might be interpreted as saying that God approves of “all” …as long as you’re married. This interpretation makes it sound like nothing that happens in the marriage bed can ever be sinful, but surely a narrower meaning was intended.
Rather, the more common interpretation of Hebrews 13:4 is that pre-marital and extra-marital sex may be sinful and dishonorable, but the same kind of intimacy within marriage doesn’t “defile” the bed (or metaphorically stain it with sin) because marriage is the God-approved prerequisite for sex. It’s harder to believe that “honourable in all” implies that God approves of “all” otherwise sinful behavior. Setting aside the controversies and misunderstandings about BDSM, God surely doesn’t approve of domestic abuse or deliberately harmful acts in the marriage bed. Although attitudes (and legal definitions) have changed over recent decades, most of us would agree that it’s sinful for a husband to rape his unwilling wife, even if they are married and living together at the time.
Beyond the King James, other translations like the New International Version translate Hebrews 13:4 differently. If the translation says the marriage bed *should* be “kept pure” or undefiled, that places a burden on the married couple instead of giving them free reign. The word “should” removes the implication that marriage legitimizes or purifies otherwise questionable behavior. Unfortunately, it’s unclear from this passage exactly what choices would keep a marriage bed “pure” or “undefiled.”
Proof Texts for Sexual Immorality
When making a biblical argument, it’s tempting to cite a particular verse or story without context. “Proof texts” are verses used to support an argument, but they have a long history of being manipulated and interpreted different ways in different eras. The term “onanism” (Genesis 38:8-10) has been used to refer to masturbation, but the story actually describes coitus interruptus, or “pulling out.” In context, Onan is refusing to get his brother’s widow pregnant, a decision to protect his own inheritance. It’s unclear whether God disapproved mainly of Onan’s selfishness or if the specific act of “pulling out” before orgasm was sexually immoral.
Some denominations use Onan’s example to argue that all sexual intercourse must have the potential to result in pregnancy. The man’s “seed” should not be wasted, so fellatio would be acceptable as long as it’s only foreplay. Other denominations see no problem with birth control, condoms, and other family planning tools within marriage. Whatever your interpretation, the concept of onanism doesn’t provide much help with judging the sinfulness of BDSM. Most types of BDSM can be incorporated into foreplay without preventing reproductive sex.
The Dangers of Legalism
Sexual immorality can be hard to define, and denominations disagree on fundamental points like birth control. Just because the Bible “doesn’t specifically forbid” something, that doesn’t mean you’re free to go wild. Tons of verses tell us to show compassion and prioritize the needs of others. It should go without saying, but principles for Christian life in general should also be applied to decisions we make with our spouse.
“’I have the right to do anything,’ you say—but not everything is beneficial. ‘I have the right to do anything’—but not everything is constructive. No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.”
(NIV) 1 Cor. 10:23-24
While the verse is used in many circumstances, 1 Corinthians 10:23-24 responds to a controversy about whether it’s acceptable to eat the food offered to idols. Instead of offering an easy answer, Paul says it’s important to consider the circumstances and consequences. In particular, will your choice help or harm another person’s faith?
If want to incorporate BDSM for your own enjoyment, you may need to start by focusing on your spouse. Would this new activity benefit your spouse and strengthen the relationship, or does your fantasy begin and end with selfish desire? On the other hand, if your spouse expresses a desire to try something new, it’s easy to lash out emotionally by calling that desire sinful or unnatural. If your reaction is really based on a personal discomfort, it can be dangerous (both to your marriage and the faith of your spouse) to claim that God and the Bible also condemn spanking, bondage, or whatever fantasy your spouse has chosen to disclose.
Rules Without a Rulebook
It might be easier if the Bible included a long list of clear rules. When there’s so much ambiguity, it’s easy to get frustrated and shrug off the complications. Writing to Rome about clean and unclean diets, Paul makes it clear that we can’t just ignore the controversy. If your conscience is making you uneasy about a particular kink, then it’s safer to continue searching and praying:
“But whoever has doubts is condemned if they eat, because their eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.”
(NIV) Romans 14:23
With the negative stereotypes and assumptions about BDSM, it can be hard to distinguish between a guilty conscience and social stigma. Setting aside the judgments of the outside world (as much as you can), do you feel like your desires are merely embarrassing or fundamentally wrong? Are you considering the needs and feelings of your partner or focusing on yourself?
Changing Perspectives
While God is the same yesterday, today, and forever… imperfect Christian authorities have naturally changed their definition of immorality over the centuries. Prominent Christian ascetics once considered frequent baths immoral, partially because bathing can be a pleasurable indulgence and partially to distinguish Christians from Muslims (who have frequent ritual baths before prayer). Saint Jerome (c. 347-420) wrote, “He that is once washed in Christ needs not to wash again,” but thankfully other perspectives on bathing have overpowered the old stinkers like Jerome (Archibald 4). Previous generations tended to define oral and anal sex as “unnatural,” and some even recommended missionary position (face to face, husband on top) as the only Biblical option.
Focus on the Family takes a conservative stance on most social issues, but they’ve adopted a progressive stance on traditional “sins against nature,” at least in the context of heterosexual marriage. On their public blog, they reached the following conclusion on oral and anal sex:
“Where there is love, there’s liberty, because God has given a husband and wife the privilege to define the uniqueness of their sexual relationship. No one else has the right or authority to tell them how to behave in the bedroom, as long as their actions don’t violate Scripture.”
Focus on the Family
Curiously, this particular blog post didn’t include examples or guidelines for determining which actions would violate scripture. They saw no problem with oral sex but cautioned against anal. In a Christian survey, they found that a majority of woman felt violated after anal sex. Rather than providing cautionary advice about taking it slow, communicating more openly, and using lubrication, it’s interesting that Focus on the Family concluded that anal sex “appears to breach the biblical concept of mutual respect and enjoyment between partners.”
It’s important to understand that traditional sex, BDSM, and anal sex all require thoughtful communication, consent, and compassion. Even during sex, you and your spouse should have the power to stop and talk when needed. If your spouse ever feels violated by something you try together, then you need to evaluate where the communication failed and whether one person was pressured into something they didn’t want to try. It’s not enough to say, “let’s not try that again.”
Assessing Individual Kinks
There’s no blanket verse that applies to all BDSM. Spanking isn’t the same as bondage, and each kink presents different questions. Just because the Bible doesn’t specifically condemn your fantasy, that doesn’t mean your partner is obligated to participate or approve. Consider the impact on your relationship, and listen carefully to your partner’s preferences, including doubts and concerns. Without a bias in favor of your particular fantasy, they may have insight into ethical problems you’ve unintentionally ignored.
A lot of fantasies are kept secret simply because we’re embarrassed. If you and your spouse share a sense of humor in the bedroom, you’ve got a great basis for communication. It’s easy to forget the biblical command to enjoy your marriage and stop taking things too seriously:
“Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for God has already approved what you do. … Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun.”
(NIV) Ecclesiastes 9:7,9
You only get one life and (hopefully) one marriage. If you or your spouse has a fantasy involving spanking or some other aspect of BDSM, then you should at least feel free to talk about it. There will always be people who judge and condemn what they cannot understand, but they don’t make the rules for your bedroom.
Sources:
Focus on the Family. “Oral and Anal Sex: Biblical Guidelines for Intimacy in Marriage” 2010. https://www.focusonthefamily.com/family-qa/oral-and-anal-sex-biblical-guidelines-for-intimacy-in-marriage/
Archibald, Elizabeth. “Bathing, Beauty and Christianity in the Middle Ages” Insights Volume 5 Number 1. Durham University. https://www.academia.edu/8250392/Bathing_Beauty_and_Christianity_in_the_Middle_Ages_Bathing_Beauty_and_Christianity_in_the_Middle_Ages_Volume_5_Number_1_Insights_About_the_Institute_of_Advanced_Study
Quoting “Mierow, C. C. (trans.) The Letters of St. Jerome, Vol I, Letters 1-22. London: Longmans. 1963 (pp. 68–9, Letter 14:10.3”)
Still a work in progress. Thank you for your patience and support.