Review: 128 Rules for the Female Slave
Written rules can help define boundaries within a D/s relationship. But how many rules do you need? And what topics should the rules cover? Back in the 1990s, a controversial list circulated around the kink community. “128 rules for the female slave” was written by Johnathan Kay (also known as Master_Flog and formerly LionMaster). Unsurprisingly, many elements of the secular list would be inappropriate for a kinky Christian couple. Some of the descriptions in the text itself could be considered pornographic, but the overall list deserves further discussion.
Significantly, on Kay’s blog (kink-notes.blogspot.com), the list is introduced with a disclaimer that each couple should adapt the rules to their own relationship dynamic. Johnathan Kay encourages readers to go through and label which rules they would consider deal-breakers or off-limits. The sheer number of rules might sound overwhelming, but they aren’t intended for rote memorization. It’s not a take-it-or-leave-it system or a legally binding contract; it’s a starting point for a negotiation.
Conflicts for Christians
Written from a secular worldview, Kay’s list assumes that nothing is wrong with premarital sex. A master can have more than one slave (Rule 58), and he can choose to share his slave with others (Rules 58, 123). A master can also dictate his slave’s “sexual orientation,” having her perform with other women (Rules 61, 122). Some of the rules suggest that a slave should be sexually provocative at all times (Rules 84, 97), which could inspire feelings of lust and jealousy. A slave should be ready to remove her clothes on command, even in front of people who are not her husband (Rule 34).
Obviously, in a Christian marriage, sexual intimacy is kept between a husband and wife. It’s easy to identify a violation of scripture when it’s condensed into a BDSM “rule,” but our churches have a harder time addressing more commonplace sins. Yes, a husband shouldn’t order his wife to strip in front of strangers, but at what point do tight clothing and “selfies” on social media get too provocative? Plenty of churchgoing women can be competitive about physical appearance. By all means, take pride in your spouse and their virtues, but be careful about the subtle pleasure that comes from inspiring lust and jealousy in others.
Even in secular BDSM, many kinksters would object to a couple of the rules that address safewords and limits:
- my safeword, verbal or otherwise, cannot be used when i am being punished. . . .
Johnathan Kay at kink-notes.blogspot.com
- my limits do not have to be respected – i trust my Master to take me past them when He expects that i am ready . . .
Both safewords and “limits” are complex subjects, but they both help to separate consensual D/s relationships from domestic abuse. Candidly—and at the risk of muddying the waters—experienced D/s couples (who know each other well from years of adventurously kinky play) may choose to play without safewords or push the boundaries of “soft” limits. But AS A RULE, limits and safewords MUST be respected. You and your spouse can establish “soft” and “hard” limits to clarify which boundaries are more open to re-negotiation.
From Fantasy to Reality
Some of the rules describe sexual favors that will be familiar (but not necessarily appealing) to men who have watched a lot of pornography. Many of the rules will get an immediate “veto” from the majority of Christian wives, sometimes with feelings of disgust and nausea (Rules 8, 28). Other rules may seem bizarre outside of the context of pornography (the “rare and privileged cases” in Rule 26).
The detailed expectations for fellatio (Rules 23, 25, 26, and 27) might seem excessive, but it’s a good reminder of how “rules” can help clarify your priorities and preferences. Anecdotally, I’ve heard at least one submissive woman, reflecting on her D/s relationship, summarize the early period as “lots of oral sex.” If a D/s relationship involves a husband getting whatever he wants sexually, then a significant percentage of Dominant men will want favors like oral sex.
Several rules address the slave’s mindset, promoting extreme levels of trust and obedience. Other rules look out for mental health and communication issues. For example, Rule 73 begins “i shall never think of myself as a weak person for it takes a strong female to commit to the drive inside me, to serve, to obey and to please a Master. . . .” Some readers will find particular rules dehumanizing, (for example, Rule 16: “i have no will of my own [except] to behave in the manner which Master has taught me”) but it’s not uncommon for D/s roles and relationships to use exaggerated language for effect. Terms like “worship” might make some believers uncomfortable in a sexual context (Rules 3, 4, 7, 27, 28, and 100).
Individual fetishes like Rules 9 and 105 are literally objectifying: “i shall gladly make my body available to my Master to be used as furniture…” But the context of the D/s relationship changes the emotional meaning and subtext of play that sounds shocking or bizarre to outsiders. An extremely submissive wife, one who is attracted to a “slave” role, may feel loved and cherished when given a physically challenging (or objectifying) task like serving as a footstool. If something outwardly strange makes your wife feel cherished, then it probably doesn’t matter what the neighbors (or deacons) would think.
More broadly, a BDSM relationship doesn’t need to eclipse or compete with a wife’s own spirituality. Mainstream Christians accept the husband’s role as spiritual leader, and BDSM Dominance can dovetail with complementarian gender roles.
Making or Adapting Your Own List
Given the provocative content of Kay’s list, some Christian couples may be uncomfortable reading the original text. Still, it’s not a bad idea to consider making a list for your own relationship, even if you start from scratch. (BDSM “contracts” are a separate controversial topic, but suffice to say there are legal downsides to putting the kinky part of your relationship into writing.) When talking about the desired shape of your D/s dynamic, making a list of rules can be a good exercise. Try to make your expectations as clear as possible, remembering that D/s isn’t all about kinky sex:
- What elements of D/s are most important for you and your spouse?
- Do you want rules for the speech or posture or the submissive/slave?
- Are there subtle ways your D/s roles affect the way you interact in public?
- What options are available for punishments and routine discipline?
- How will the submissive/slave be able to “safeword” or express their concerns?
- Will the expectations for the submissive/slave emphasize household chores and/or self-improvement goals?
- How and when will both spouses be able to “check in” about the health of the marriage and their shared faith?
- How will D/s roles affect your sexual relationship?
- What commitments can the husband make to balance and reward his wife’s service?
Positive Highlights of 128 Rules
Several of Johnathan Kay’s rules are worth copying verbatim. Rule 13 says, “i must be specific and very explicit in my speech.” Many slaves and submissives have a hard time expressing their needs clearly, and so Rule 13 encourages more open communication. Rule 69 “In bondage i am made free.” may sound like brainwashing to outsiders, but it reflects a psychological reality for many “rope bottoms” or people who enjoy being tied up.
I reached out to Johnathan for his permission to write about the list, and his reply included some more general thoughts about kinky relationships: “The key to any relationship is total transparency, strict honesty, and to NEVER permit either to entertain jealousy but rather to embrace each other’s differences.” He also pointed out how the power imbalance of D/s can reflect the New Testament model for marriage in Ephesians 5:25-33. A Dominant husband’s role involves a lot of work, and many women who feel very strongly about the equality of the sexes would not want the extra work that comes with taking a Dominant role in relationships.
If you’ve adapted Kay’s list to your own relationship, then please feel free to share your insights here or even reach out to Kay via his blog: “Copyright 1992 by Johnathan Kay. The current official site for this document can be found at http://kink-notes.blogspot.com/. Use at your own risk.”
Regarding rules 32-34, I agree that a husband or wife shouldn’t strip or dress provocatively for the purpose of titillating others. But doing so for their spouse, that’s different. If someone’s with their spouse it’s evident that it is for the benefit of their spouse (or significant other if their seriously dating) that they’re dressing that way. So, for example, while it would be inappropriate for a girlfriend to on a date in just lingerie, if she’s in a tight dress with a plunging neckline, that would be within decency expectations and clearly intended for her boyfriend to appreciate. Or there’s a couple on the beach on their honeymoon and she’s in a tiny thong bikini and him in tight briefs (maybe she even goes topless), it’s obvious that the dress is for each other. Or for another example, a wife wearing a very small and revealing bralette and micro skirt when out clubbing.
You mentioned posting on social media, and that’s a good point. In the above examples, I think a couple could post photos of them together, maybe even as individuals, because the context is clear that their attire or lack of it is for their partner’s benefit. I could maybe even see modeling outfits to demonstrate how they look (rule 33), whether in person or on social media, especially if intended to give ideas for another couple to use/purchase.
These are different than cases where the point is for others to watch for their own gratification, such as the spouse being commanded to strip for an audience.
PDA, especially if in a semi-private setting, I think would also be okay, so long as the couple end up alone in their bedroom (if married), or stop short of sex and full nudity (if unmarried).
Thank you so much for this site and for your insight.
My husband and I are trying to navigate good to explore a BDSM relationship together as Christians while also raising kids and maintaining a healthy family life.
It’s so difficult to find and good resources. Christian resources treat anything outside of vanilla sex as taboo, while BDSM resources disregard Christian principles and the importance of monogamy.
My husband and I have found such great sexual satisfaction and intimacy in being able to explore BDSM together, but it’s so difficult to even get time alone when raising young kids and not having any resources or support, or ideas on how to make it work within a hectic family life. I hope you will post more tips and insight for couples in our situation. Thank you!!
There is another, seemingly now defunct, blog that deals with these topics from a conservative Christian perspective, albeit the content varies and is sometimes contradictory regarding those sexual ethics: http://bdsm-sexperts.blogspot.com/
It’s an interesting site but it does seem inconsistent both with itself and Christian monogamous values. The rape fantasies and choking I think are really questionable, the first ethically and the second in terms of safety.
There’s also some posts that have porn links, which in addition to concerns of monogamy, whether or not consent is there is questionable.
She also seems inconsistent in her ethics – she says that unmarried people shouldn’t have any form of sex, including oral or manual, but then she’s posted stories about her fiance and her engaging in those activities and/or bringing each other to orgasm.
Her comfort with premarital nudity and similar I think is something that has to be discussed by a couple. I don’t think it’s right but other conservative Christians might consider it a conscience issue.
It’s a useful resource but questionable in many areas.
I wonder why some women like to be subjugated like this. I suppose because it’s increasingly taboo in Western society it’s therefore more exciting.
“at what point do tight clothing and “selfies” on social media get too provocative?”
If it becomes about soliciting attention from others rather than celebrating one’s spouse. So I don’t think it’s so much about articles of clothing, or lack of them, but the intent and making sure that intent is conveyed. For instance, her posting a picture of herself in a tiny, very revealing dress with the caption “excited to go on a hot date tonight with hubby” would be very different from the same image with a kissy face emoji. Likewise, photos of each other at the beach wearing very little are fine because it’s clear that they’re together. I could even see “wife/husband made me post this because she/he thinks I’m so hot” could be acceptable, so long as it’s reasonably clear to the audience that it’s the spouse(s) celebrating each other.
I agree that straight-out stripping for the sake of others to view would be wrong. Any revealing or provocative actions should be for the spouse to view. And while maybe its legitimate for a married couple to be so enamored that they don’t care about bystanders, at that point 1) they should just get a room if the last bits of clothing are coming off, and 2) it becomes questionable as to whether the bystanders are consenting. And of course there’s legal considerations. It’s true that privacy is a luxury most people in the past, and many in the present, don’t have much of, but if it’s possible to be private, I don’t see why a married couple wouldn’t choose that if they’re being monogamous, even if what they’re doing isn’t sex.
That said, Phil Osgood has a really challenging series of posts on The Undefiled Marriage Bed about a possible interpretation of Song of Solomon 7.
https://theundefiledmarriagebed.com/?s=Raya
I think it’s a rather novel interpretation but there is some scholarship supporting it.
“Yes, a husband shouldn’t order his wife to strip in front of strangers, but at what point do tight clothing and “selfies” on social media get too provocative?”
I’d personally say the definite limit for Christians for what no longer honors the marriage covenant would be anything that solicits or encourages third parties to sexually interact with, or sexually gratify themselves from, the spouse(s). Complimenting the spouse and/or congratulating the other spouse for who they married would be appropriate. Comments or interactions that stray into sexual gratification of the audience is unacceptable and should not be encouraged or solicited. If such a remark is made (whether online or in person), it should be shut down and the impropriety made clear (if in-person, that person should be removed or moved away from).
Beyond that clear line, I’d also say exposing genitals also isn’t appropriate. I know a lot of Christians are comfortable with nudity in an artistic setting. I personally have issues with that because it seems clear in Scripture that nudity in mixed settings isn’t usually appropriate and nudity should be reserved for situations of necessity or for a married couple. If private parts are kept covered, I think it becomes an matter of what that couple is mutually okay with, making it clear that it’s not for gratification of the audience but celebration of the couple, and consideration for the appropriateness of the setting (including laws and standards for the location and, if social media, community guidelines or standards). Trying to not get too detailed or inappropriate, I don’t think there’s clear lines like “tight dresses and one-pieces okay, bikinis aren’t”, “bikinis okay, but not lingerie”, “swim shorts are okay for him, swim briefs not”, or even “cleavage okay, her nipples not”, etc. That’s for the couple to work out mutually, and again with consideration for standards and social expectation.
Something that is very noticeable about the 128 rules, and probably a big reason for it’s controversy, is, as you mention, the pornographic scenarios and some things that most women (and probably most men) would be utterly disgusted by. It’s very in service of male sexual fantasy and even misogyny. While yes, women could consent to it, I think it’s very important to consider how much it overlaps with patriarchal and misogynist views and treatment of women.
I feel uncomfortable with the really degrading stuff or the blurring of safe words as boundaries. Yes, some women might like it but it seems too wrapped up in historical and contemporary subjugation of women and domestic violence. And ofc the polyamory/infidelity isn’t at all right. A lot of it falls in that grey area. As discussed in the post and above comments, stuff like the limits for PDA or showing off a spouse are issues of conscience and a judgment call. Laws should be obeyed, especially those protecting minors, and social decency and propriety considered.