“When I think about BDSM, the thing that stands out to me the most is that in most countries, the only difference between assault or domestic violence, and BDSM is the matter of informed consent. The ONLY reason why BDSM is legal in most countries is because the acts are done with the informed consent of the people participating in it.
Think about that.
Shaming, humiliating, torturing-those all sound despicable and grotesque* when you think about it, but if the person on the receiving end is okay with it, then it’s perfectly fine according to the law.”
Ketsia Gustave
at PureCouples.org
“Is BDSM Okay for Christians?”
While it was active, Ketsia Gustave’s blog** provided a lot of practical and relatable advice for Christian couples. It’s easy to imagine a majority of mainstream readers sharing Gustave’s visceral reaction against BDSM. What’s more surprising is her failure to really understand the importance of consent.
It’s rarely verbalized, but consent is a huge part of daily life.
Running with Scissors
Getting a haircut is no big deal, but imagine walking up to a stranger at the mall and deciding to cut their bangs or shorten their ponytail. Without saying anything, you might reach out with a pair of scissors… You’d be lucky to make two snips before getting physically pushed away or slapped. In many parts of America, cutting a stranger’s hair could literally get you arrested for assault and battery. Even when you sit down in the salon or barber shop, there’s a conversation about the type of haircut you want. You’d get justifiably upset if the barber decided they’d prefer to give you a mohawk instead of trimming “a little off the top.” Entering a salon and describing the type of haircut you want — these actions communicate your consent for a certain type of haircut. If the same hairdresser corners you in an alley a month later with a pair of scissors, then it’s still a crime for them to cut your hair by force.
Consent for Medical Help
Hospitals perform surgeries all the time, but a surgeon waiting in line at Starbucks can’t legally decide to use his scalpel on the person standing in front of him. Even if the waiting person has a mole that looks like cancer, you aren’t allowed to stab people (even if you’re a surgeon) without consent. People in the medical field constantly collect signatures to prove consent (and facilitate billing). When the patient is a child, you need parental consent. When a paramedic finds an unconscious person, the patient’s inability to respond is “implied consent,” and there’s potential for a lawsuit if a nursing home or hospital resuscitates someone with a DNR or Do Not Resuscitate order. In effect, you need someone’s consent to save their life.
Practical Application
It’s probably unfair to pick on Gustave because a lot of people really struggle with consent in personal relationships. It sounds ridiculous to ask for permission to hug your spouse because verbal consent for a hug is rarely necessary. In a marriage, most boundaries are established with nonverbal communication (like reactions and body language) and preferences that you’ve learned over time. If your partner is angry and pacing around a room, yelling at you to leave them alone, it’s probably not a good time to surprise them with an unwanted bearhug. If you open your arms and pause to *offer* a hug, then waiting for their response is a nonverbal request for consent. When there’s any reason for doubt, it never hurts to ask with your words.
You’d think it goes without saying, but consent is especially important in the bedroom. If one person insists on having sex, and the other person refuses, then “sex” quickly becomes rape. The fact that rape is a crime doesn’t tarnish or diminish consensual sex.
Consent is incredibly important, and it’s a core value of BDSM.
A kinky couple might enjoy certain kinds of pain or even “torture” in the bedroom, and that same couple might strongly object to similar torture methods being used on POWs. It’s a complicated subject, and torture has recently become a more politicized issue, but suffice to say that consent is a big deal, not just in BDSM. There’s a wide gulf of difference between engaging in sadomasochism with and without consent. It’s as big and as morally important as the difference between rape and consensual sex, or between an MMA fighting tournament and mugging someone in an alleyway.
Consent is a big deal.
*Even for leaders in the BDSM community, some kinks and fetishes are difficult to understand. If you find an activity despicable or “grotesque,” then you probably shouldn’t participate in that particular activity. But at the same time, try to remember that your secret desires and preferences may sound equally strange to someone else.
** Gustave, Ketsia. “IS BDSM OKAY FOR CHRISTIANS?” Pure Couples, 2018 Aug. 29, http://www.purecouples.org/blog/2018/8/29/is-bdsm-okay-for-christians.
