How to Talk to Your Partner About BDSM
How should you start the conversation with your spouse? Maybe you’ve only recently discovered your kinky side. Or maybe you’ve been ashamed of your fantasies since adolescence or earlier. However long you’ve been kinky, concealing your ongoing desires can weaken the sense of intimacy within your marriage. At the same time, “coming out” to your spouse can also be risky. Many kinky Christians have reasonable fears about being judged and condemned by their spouse. It can be frightening to think about how to talk to your partner about BDSM.
A lot depends on your marriage and your specific kinks. Some aspects of BDSM, like spankings, are more mainstream and easier for outsiders to understand. If you’ve never really talked about BDSM with your spouse, then you’ll want to be cautious about introducing this potentially volatile subject. Look for relevant scripture and search your own heart before involving your spouse in anything potentially harmful.
1. Test the waters with something mild.
If your imagination has developed a complex fantasy scenario, then you definitely shouldn’t spring the whole thing on your spouse at once. Unusual and unpopular fetishes might freak out a spouse who is unprepared. Without being sneaky or deceptive, you can test the waters by mentioning something relatively tame and watching their reaction.
Don’t pressure them for an immediate response. The real goal of this disclosure is not persuading your spouse to participate in your fantasy. Rather, the goal should be finding ways to communicate more openly with each other.
2. Find relevant books or movies to discuss.
Admittedly, this one can backfire. A lot of Christian couples discovered their interest in BDSM after reading or watching “50 Shades of Grey.” Books and movies serve as conversation starters without exposing your secrets or pressuring your spouse. On the other hand, your spouse may not realize that the stakes are so personal when they reject your favorite movie. Many of the Christians who condemned “50 Shades” as sinful and pornographic would have been perfectly happy exploring bondage and spankings with their spouse in private.
A movie may be a good place to start if you have no idea how they’ll react. Without pressuring them to participate in any specific fantasy, you can express how getting more adventurous and trying new things in the bedroom is important to you. Give them a couple of days to process new revelations, and then you can return to the subject, asking how they feel.
If you end up exploring BDSM together, then you’ll need a firm foundation with all of The Three C’s, starting with excellent communication skills.
3. Keep things in perspective.
With such a sensitive topic, it’s easy to blow things out of proportion. Your kink may be a significant part of your sexuality, but they aren’t the most important thing in your life or marriage. Your spouse is more likely to respond positively if you introduce your kinks as something fun and quirky to explore together, rather than a dark and forbidden secret. The conversation shouldn’t feel like announcing you have a terminal illness.
If your spouse wants to get marriage counseling, that’s probably a good idea. Will you discuss BDSM in those counseling sessions? Then search for a Christian counselor who is open-minded about sexual exploration. Some counselors may condemn BDSM because of sinful behavior within the secular BDSM community and similar anecdotes about individual CDD couples.
4. Empathize with your spouse without pressuring them.
How would you feel if your spouse surprised you with a strange, unexpected request that made you uncomfortable? If their kink was something that grossed you out, would you feel pressured to play along anyway? It’s natural to be hyper-sensitive about your spouse’s reaction to your fantasy, but try to imagine their perspective. After years of marriage, your spouse might reasonably feel betrayed by this secret. They might feel like your kinks should have been disclosed before marriage.
If you feel unfairly judged or condemned by your spouse’s initial reaction, give them extra time to sort through their own feelings. They may feel blindsided, worrying that you expect them to participate in things that make them uncomfortable. Don’t pressure them for an immediate response. Instead, emphasize your ongoing commitment to the marriage and your spouse’s happiness.
5. Put more work into your marriage and your spouse’s happiness.
This isn’t a tit-for-tat exchange. For all the time you’ve spent imagining and exploring your own fantasies, how much time have you invested in learning your spouse’s turn-ons and desires? In some marriages, the sexiest foreplay might just involve extra household chores and giving your spouse time to relax. If your marriage isn’t going well, then it’s probably not a good time to introduce BDSM. You need strong communication skills and a deep level of mutual trust before getting into kink.
6. Sort through your own feelings before worrying about how to talk to your partner about BDSM.
If you’re distressed about your own fantasies, then consider visiting a therapist or counselor one-on-one. If you’re concerned that your desires might be sinful, then you wouldn’t want to invite your spouse to join you in potentially sinful behavior. Do your research to find spiritual guidance and establish boundaries. If your foot fetish has led to porn addiction and severe guilt, then your secret lifestyle may seem like a bigger shock and betrayal than the original attraction to feet.
Sometimes guilt and shame are legitimate pangs of conscience–warnings that you’re pursuing the wrong path. Try to find a sense of peace and contentment about your fetishes, before you worry about how to talk to your partner about BDSM. When you’re comfortable in your own skin, you will be better prepared to talk to your spouse without scaring them.
This also is a good topic to discuss, and perhaps explore, before marrying.
I think this also is very worthwhile to discuss and even explore with when a couple is dating/courting. Yes sex should be off the table but the couple should talk about their expectations and preferences (if an inexperienced couple, to the best that they know them).
After discussing them, a dating couple could introduce elements of kink to their relationship. For example, wrestling, pushing against doors, walls, or windows, hair pulling, nibbling and biting, and light scratching while making out. If she’s interested in rope play they could try tying each other. Maybe he has a foot fetish so she goes barefoot or wears strappy shoes when on dates with or otherwise around him. Perhaps they try restraining one or the other or each other using that partner’s own (outer) clothing. They could introduce rules and dress codes for their partner. And/or start spanking and discipline.
Definitely in these conversations and experiment the couple shouldn’t engage in sex, whether penile-vaginal intercourse or anal, oral, or manual. But where to draw the line before that is a good conversation they need to have and I think reader’s here should have. Even with more vanilla activity. Should all clothes stay on or is going down to underwear okay? Can her bra or bikini top come off too if he’s ending up shirtless? Can they strip/be stripped naked? If they agree to restraint, spanking or corner time for misbehavior, how much clothing is acceptable to be removed?
Personally I’m uncomfortable with full nudity, that is, bare or otherwise exposed genitals, before marriage or at least engagement, but the couple needs to discuss it. And whatever the absolute limit, the couple should start well from that and let boundaries loosen as their relationship progresses. I think it would be inappropriate for a man and woman to get handsy on their first date, for example. After they’ve spent time together and start getting serious, maybe at that point she’s comfortable with him reaching into the low-cut dress she picked out and he’s okay with her hands going down the back of his pants. But they should be seriously dating before getting that intimate.
Even if a couple has very conservative boundaries, such as only kissing and hugging or even just hugging, I think, and I’m sure you’d agree, that these conversations are important. Sexual compatibility is something to consider, and even if an unmarried couple is very physically restrained (in the sense of physical intimacy), they can discuss what they would like to try when married. This also is a helpful way for a couple to channel their sexual frustration toward marriage. When something is tempting, they know that this will probably excite them in marriage and they can look forward to that. This way they can maintain boundaries but still ensure that they are physically compatible.
Although I agree with you that it is important to have communication and set some expectations for the relationship, I think what most important is finding a partner that’s willing to grow with you.
My husband and I got married when we were 21.
We know basically nothing about BDSM or sex in general for that matter.
I found sex in general to not usually be that satisfying. I know of chocked it up to that’s just what it’s like with sex as a woman. It wasn’t until my husband and I started experimenting that I figured out I’m actually a very sexual person, VERY interested in sex, I just need more than what vanilla sex can give. BDSM play has brought us so much closer and made me enjoy sex. But I was nervous at first to share those fantasies with my husband. When I opened up to him, we started learning what we liked and what we were comfortable with together. If someone asked me at 21 if I wanted to be tied up and spanked, or if I wanted to me fisted, I would have been horrified. But now pushing our limits, growing together, and going to such an intimate place with my husband has just been the most amazing experience.
Personally, I’d just encourage and young couple to try to be open to each other, willing to try things, willing to meet each other where they’re at. Growing together as a couple and pushing each other to be the best lover possible is so amazing. 💕