What is Christian Domestic Discipline?
Christian Domestic Discipline (CDD) shares a lot in common with BDSM Discipline (and secular Domestic Discipline), but the differences also matter. For starters, CDD usually works to reflect Biblical gender roles. The vast majority of wives in CDD submit to their husbands because of verses like Ephesians 5:22-24. On the other hand, BDSM aligns with the personal boundaries and fantasies of both husband and wife. The two approaches are not mutually exclusive. Christians who practice BDSM should also look to scripture for guidance. Likewise, CDD couples should choose to prioritize the three C’s of Consent, Communication, and Compassion.
Is CDD a type of BDSM?
No, but the communities and aspects of both lifestyles overlap. Some CDD couples actively engage with the BDSM community, but they seem to be in the minority. Most leaders and writers within CDD reject “anything goes” BDSM as hedonistic and secular, whereas CDD begins with scripture.
Within the BDSM community, CDD can have a negative reputation. To cynical outsiders, the stereotypical CDD couple is “in denial” about the erotic motive for their spankings and DD lifestyle. CDD couples might condemn secular BDSM as sinful (not without reason) while essentially practicing a Dominant/submissive lifestyle themselves. It’s easy to find judgmental misunderstandings on all sides of the divides between BDSM, CDD, and mainstream “vanilla” culture.
How does CDD work?
In CDD, the husband’s connected roles as Head Of Household (HOH) and spiritual leader give him authority over his wife. Each couple should discuss their preferences and boundaries before attempting any kind of CDD relationship, guided by the principle of mutual consent. Generally, the couple will agree to a list of rules and punishment options. Spanking is popular, but a husband might also take away his wife’s social media privileges or some other entertainment.
To outsiders, CDD might seem infantilizing, treating the wife like a disobedient child or teenager. It’s true that childhood punishments (like corner time) inspire many of the punishments in CDD (as well as BDSM). Many submissives enjoy a degree of humiliation during punishment. If the wife removes her clothing for the spanking, personal insecurities mingle together with arousal. The idea of a husband “taking charge” provides a comforting sense of security to wives who want more direction. Others find the whole power imbalance and spankings erotic.
Many CDD couples enjoy certain punishments like spankings, but Discipline works toward a change in behavior. After a wife acts disrespectful or forgets a certain rule, then discipline should help her avoid repeating the same mistake in the future. Lighter, playful spankings can also become a form of erotic foreplay, but punishment spankings can be quite unpleasant in the moment.
What do other Christians think about CDD?
The Christian website GotQuestions.org offers a negative view of BDSM, and they also argue against CDD as “an unscriptural and un-Christian lifestyle.” Without considering cultural norms in the Biblical era (or even 50 years ago in America), GotQuestions calls CDD bizarre, demeaning, unloving, and controlling. Their answer to “What is Christian domestic discipline (CDD)?” concludes with this paragraph:
“Domestic discipline is at best a strange, unbiblical practice and, at worst, an excuse for abuse. If couples mutually agree to engage in this type of behavior, they are certainly entitled to do so. But to use the Bible to justify it and call it part of the Christian life is not only ridiculous and scripturally unsupportable; it is antithetical to all biblical principles of love and mutual submission out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21).“
“What is Christian domestic discipline (CDD)?” on GotQuestions.org
Alongside the GotQuestions responses to sadism and torture, it’s fascinating how so many well-meaning Christians can interpret scripture in a way that comfortably reflects their own present-day worldview and biases. The modern political ideal of universal equality and freedom isn’t the product of a Biblical mandate. Then again, a lot depends on the ambiguous phrase “call it part of the Christian lifestyle”. Many practitioners of CDD emphasize that their lifestyle isn’t appropriate for everyone.
Is CDD recommended for all Christians?
Nope! …although it might depend on who you ask. Some advocates of CDD claim that their lifestyle is more biblically “correct” than Christians who automatically follow present-day cultural norms. The blog “Christian Domestic Discipline Life” argues against the idea of CDD as a requirement for all Christians:
“At this website, we believe that the Bible neither requires OR forbids corporal correction of wives. Numerous Bible passages, however, refer to wifely submission, and in the historical context, it is logical to assume that everyone would have understood that occasionally this submission might be reinforced with corporal punishment.”
“Christian Domestic Discipline Life”
To some, the term “Christian Domestic Discipline” sounds like a claim that all Christians should practice CDD. This website’s name (Christian BDSM) causes a similar misunderstanding. Instead, the label “Christian” distinguishes CDD from secular forms of domestic discipline—and couples who wouldn’t concern themselves with scripture. Similarly, Christian BDSM has different priorities and concerns than secular BDSM. Neither lifestyle is required or even recommended for all Christian couples.
Is CDD abusive?
Virtually everyone will agree that domestic abuse is evil and un-Christian… even if the exact definition remains controversial. Today’s CDD community emphasizes consent, but the husband’s divine authority can discourage open communication. Are CDD wives always free to speak up when a rule or punishment feels wrong? What are the guard rails that prevent a husband from taking his authority too far?
In BDSM, communication tools like “safewords” allow the submissive partner to stop play or punishment at any moment. Consent violations and abuse can still happen in BDSM. A great deal depends on the caution and communication of each couple.
The mental health resource, VeryWellMind (started by the About.com company), argues that CDD relationships display many of the red flags for abusive relationships. The psychological dangers of CDD go beyond the most obvious concerns about physical spankings.
Many of the dangers that VeryWellMind identifies in CDD could also apply directly to lifestyle D/s relationships in BDSM. Their two articles on BDSM are decidedly more positive (“What Is BDSM and What Are Its Benefits?” and “How BDSM Might Benefit Your Health and Improve Your Relationship?”). Since BDSM can have many of the same dangers as CDD, this extreme difference in treatment looks a lot like a bias against Christians.
Preventing and Identifying Abuse
Rather than arguing CDD is abusive and BDSM is beneficial, it seems better to acknowledge the risks of each. Quite a few women in CDD eventually found that their relationships were abusive. You can also find horror stories about “BDSM” relationships gone wrong. And in mainstream churches, how many victims have been abused by youth ministers, camp counselors, and other predators with too much authority and too little oversight? As churches sought to defend themselves against scandal, background checks and other policies helped to protect potential victims.
The loose-knit but prolific BDSM community works perpetually to educate its members about consent, safety, and abuse. By comparison, it’s easy to imagine how a relatively isolated CDD couple would struggle to identify “red flags” of abuse.
What’s “Not Okay” in a CDD marriage?
In CDD as well as BDSM, rules and boundaries vary widely from one couple to the next. Most will agree that a husband cannot “force” spankings or punishments on his wife, and she needs to be a willing participant in CDD.
Many in the CDD community will draw a boundary between CDD and BDSM. Overt sadomasochism, strange fetishes, and other aspects of BDSM make some CDD couples uncomfortable. Some argue that CDD spankings should never be “fun,” but there’s clearly some overlap with the way BDSM couples use both disciplinary punishment and “fun-ishment.”
Some in CDD will condemn BDSM as immoral, but most will say that BDSM is simply a separate question for each couple. A CDD couple can choose to engage in BDSM, but the bondage and erotic foreplay are separate from a husband’s serious authority and leadership.
Most CDD couples will also be careful to keep their lifestyle and punishments (like spankings) private. A wife’s rules might govern her behavior in public or at church, but spankings would be kept for the privacy of her own home or bedroom.
A small minority of CDD couples will have the wife play a dominant role in the bedroom, perhaps with the husband serving a separate role as “spiritual” leader. The majority of CDD couples, however, would define the husband’s dominance as a core part of CDD.
How popular is CDD?
That’s hard to guess. Where BDSM has become gradually more acceptable in mainstream society, CDD still receives mostly negative attention and ridicule from outsiders. The stereotypical “joke” about CDD couples is that they’re in denial about the erotic motivation behind spankings. In any marriage, sexual frustration (and poor communication) can lead to emotional conflicts, if not outright abuse.
From Daytime TV…
The short-lived VH1 sitcom “Daytime Divas” included an awkward glimpse of a fictional couple attempting CDD. In this clip, the actress Fiona Gubelmann explains her own journey from reading the script to researching CDD to better understand her character’s psychology.
…to (off) Broadway.
An irreverent Robert Askins play called “Permission” made fun of Evangelical CDD Christians in a Waco setting. In this promotional clip, just reading phrases from CDD blogs sets the tone for the play, with “please pray for me” as a punchline in itself.
As mentioned above, outsiders who respond to CDD tend to jump pretty quickly to negative conclusions. The blog NotesToWomen offers a thoughtful Christian perspective, and they clearly researched the subject, but they basically concluded that CDD is an abusive outlet for sexual perversion.
Where can I learn more about “real” CDD?
You won’t find a human authority able to define “real” CDD, but many bloggers shared their perspectives and experiences online. (Please reach out if you know any resources that should be added here.) Several of these blogs are currently inactive, but you can still access a lot of their content through Archive.org.
Christian Domestic Discipline Life
As one of the few CDD websites still accessible, “ChristianDomesticDisciplineLife.wordpress.com” hasn’t been updated for a couple of years. The blog posts go back to 2016 and include both male and female perspectives (Leah and Spencer) on practical aspects of CDD. A few of these CDD sites claim to be maintained by a group of Christian women from different denominations.
Biblical Gender Roles
BiblicalGenderRoles.com is not presented as a CDD resource, but they’re currently one of the most active bloggers and podcasters arguing in favor of a similar lifestyle. Significantly, their post on CDD makes the controversial (and potentially dangerous) argument that “God’s law no more requires a husband to get his wife’s consent to chasten her than he does a parent to get their child’s consent to chasten to them.” In contrast, the Christian BDSM community believes that consent is a fundamental moral obligation. Biblical Gender Roles has attracted some negative press in Christianity Today.
Christian Domestic Discipline (.com)
Active from 2007 until 2018, ChristianDomesticDiscipline.com initially promoted CDD fiction and romance novels. Over the years, the site became a more detailed non-fiction guide for husbands and wives. You can browse through Archive.org.
Christian Domestic Discipline (.net)
From 2012 until 2017, the (dot)net version of the above website includes an overview guide to CDD topics with a larger portion of the site promoting books by Leah Kelley. The books aren’t available, but you can explore most of the website.
Christian DD
From 2008 until 2014, with similar wording to the above sites, ChristianDD.com promoted CDD novels and book reviews. Author “Chula” offers her perspective in a CDD FAQs page with a few references to scripture. Readers may also be interested in her longer article, “A Christian Submissive Wife: The Beauties and The Duties” via Archive.org
Resources for Secular Domestic Discipline
The secular Domestic Discipline community offers a broader range of perspectives, many of which could be compatible with CDD. A wide range of possibilities remain open for couples who have reservations about (or simply aren’t attracted to) BDSM. Many “Domestic Discipline” or “Taken In Hand” couples will reject the label of BDSM. Suffice to say that each married couple within each community develops their own unique power dynamic.
A Domestic Discipline Society (ADDS)
ADDS collects a huge number of blogs and discussion groups at ADomesticDisciplineSociety.blogspot.com. Mostly useful for secular perspectives, ADDS has a copied (and credited) description of CDD and links to external blogs like Christian Domestic Discipline Life.
Taken In Hand
Active from 2003 until about 2013, “TakenInHand.com” is mostly a collection of blog posts from a wide range of secular perspectives. Not exactly DD, Taken In Hand may be more appealing to couples uncomfortable with the labels and terminology of CDD and BDSM.
Learning DD
Active from 2012 until around 2015, the couple behind LearningDD.com (Clint and Chelsea) attracted media attention in 2013 (see bellow). Some reviewers resented how books like “A How-To Guide To Domestic Discipline Boot Camp” had a religious message, blurring the line between DD and CDD.
The complexity of the website makes it a little harder to explore via Archive.org.
In 2013, a series of mainstream news articles addressed CDD:
This negative PR caused a good deal of concern in the secular DD community, with at least one leader describing the interview(s) as a “Black Wednesday” for DD. The mixture of spanking and religion made CDD an easier target for outsiders to ridicule, one of the reasons that many Christians choose to practice Domestic Discipline without embracing the “Christian” part of the subculture.
Zadrozny, Brandy “Spanking for Jesus: Inside the Unholy World of ‘Christian Domestic Discipline” Daily Beast (published 2013, updated 2017)
Bennett-Smith, Meredith “Christian Domestic Discipline Promotes Spanking Wives To Maintain Biblical Marriage” Huffington Post (2013)
Collman, Ashley “The ‘Christian’ movement that tells husbands to SPANK their wives ‘to correct misbehavior'” Daily Mail (2013)
I think you need more of a disclaimer for your link to the “Biblical Gender Roles” site. That dude is abusive and rejects the concept of consent.
Likewise there’s problematic issues with CDD in general because it blurs the line between consensual dom/sub and plain old domestic abuse and misogyny. For instance, those BGG and CDDLife both discuss subjecting daughters to the same discipline. CDDLife at times even discusses brothers disciplining their sisters or pastors disciplining an HOH’s partner. I think that this site, Christian BDSM, which emphasizes consent, should put more of a disclaimer.