Saying “No” to BDSM and your Kinky Spouse

Is your spouse asking you to do things that feel wrong? Some parts of BDSM sound pretty weird and even frightening. You shouldn’t feel pressured to participate in (or condone) fetishes that make you uncomfortable. Real BDSM begins with a solid foundation of Consent, Communication, and Compassion—and consent must be freely given, not wheedled out.

If you feel like there’s a conflict between Christianity and your spouse’s kinks or fetishes, then you have a Christian duty to set boundaries accordingly. It’s okay if you’re just too tired tonight or BDSM doesn’t sound “fun.” Those are also perfectly legitimate reasons to say “no.”

If BDSM is important to your spouse—their fetishes might date back to adolescence or childhood—then you should be especially careful to listen with compassion. Many kinky Christians keep their personal fantasies as carefully guarded secrets. Because of shame and social stigma, they may be afraid to ask church leaders for spiritual guidance on taboo subjects. You can sympathize with your spouse’s journey (or struggle) without agreeing to anything.

Reflecting on your First Reaction

It can be shocking when you find out about your spouse’s secrets. Watch your words carefully, resisting any impulse to judge and condemn your spouse as a person. Things said in the heat of the moment can make a lasting impression.

Listening with Empathy

Your spouse shouldn’t pressure you into BDSM, but you should be open to having a conversation eventually. It’s hard to have a meaningful dialogue when the topic of BDSM comes as a surprise, so take time to collect your thoughts. Try not to approach the conversation as a debate. This is an opportunity to know more about your spouse and their unique perspective.

Have they had these particular fantasies for many years? Have they found any helpful guidance in scripture or the church? Do you want to know more details, or do you need time to adjust to this new information about your spouse? Remember, you can sympathize without agreeing to anything new in the bedroom.

Questioning your own Assumptions

Saying “No” is Encouraged in Real BDSM

If you disapprove of any (or all) aspects of BDSM, then your spouse shouldn’t pressure you to change your mind. Each partner has the freedom to set boundaries (both hard and soft limits) wherever they choose. If your spouse gets manipulative or ignores your stated boundaries, then they’re engaging in abuse—not BDSM.

The exciting fulfillment of BDSM comes from openly communicating your preferences and fantasies with each other. That includes a deep respect for each other’s boundaries and limits.

Set Firm Boundaries (and Flexible Ones)

Without sounding judgmental, specify which kinks and topics of conversation you want to be “off-limits.” Just because you set a firm boundary (aka “hard limit”), that doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind over time. Most people who engage in BDSM find that their preferences change over the years. You can also set “soft” limits on things that bring up mixed feelings. You’re probably more open to discussing soft limits… or even exploring them cautiously under specific circumstances.

Many of the Christians who oppose BDSM are actually open to kinky adventures in the bedroom. You can try new things with your spouse without endorsing the broader (mostly secular) subculture of BDSM. Do you have any fantasies or turn-ons that you haven’t yet disclosed to your partner?

Even if the whole idea of BDSM gives you a strong “No Way” feeling in your gut, talking non-judgmentally about your spouse’s turn-ons can still be good for your marriage. Use this opportunity to get to know each other better, and find new areas where your interests do overlap. Your marriage will be stronger when you discover new things you both enjoy together, even if that list doesn’t include BDSM.